The End of the World

So it seems about time I made a blog post. It’s been so long and honestly so much has happened this past year that I haven’t known where to start. 
So we’ll start with this whole ‘the world’s gonna end on the 21st of December’ and my slightly anxious feelings about that. I’m not saying I’m preparing for the end, but I must admit that for the longest time I haven’t been able to get a grip on making plans for the future. Perhaps that has more to do with my own lack of ambition. Maybe an impending apocalypse is just an excuse for never finishing anything. But i think that once the 21st has come and gone without the world turning inside out, I will be able to breath a little sigh of relief.


Last year, around the last time the world was supposed to end, I had a series of apocalyptic dreams that really made me think shit was about to go down soon. The dreams came after a year of bad news concerning my fathers health, what seemed to be the breaking down of my own body and the beginning of the end of my first serious romantic relationship. 


There were three different dreams all with unique scenarios: some parts were scary, but for the most part things were confusing and all I wanted was to get a handle on what was happening, much like what I wanted in my waking life. I searched for a meaning in them. My deepest fear was that the worst was yet to come and in a way it was.


In April, my boyfriend broke up with me. He told me that we didn’t have anything in common and that he wasn’t sure he wanted to spend his life with me. In actuality, he had fallen in love with some one else and didn’t love me enough to tell me the truth. That hurt a lot and it took me months to come to terms with that. ( Actually I still am.) 


Dream dictionaries will tell you that end-of-world dreams “depict the powerful and threatening inner and outer changes that accompany major life transitions and social changes.” To borrow the words of R.E.M., my dreams seemed to predict the end of my world as I knew it. And though my break up has been one of the worst emotional storms I’ve ever experienced, it also has been the catalyst for my greatest personal growth. For that I’m very thankful. I am not the same person I was then and without my broken heart that could not have happened. 


Considering the options of things that could have gone wrong, losing a relationship that was personally stifling was not the very worst that could have happened. My father’s cancer has been kept at bay (whats the pain of losing a boyfriend compared with that of losing a father) and my own health, both mental and physical, began to improve once I was diagnosed with a lazy thyroid gland. 


So perhaps the end of the world is not an altogether bad thing. It can mean a renewed consciousness and a change for the better. I will be glad when the sun comes up on Saturday morning and it will be just another day to continue seeing this world in another light. I’m making plans to start making plans.