Saturday, February 2, 2013

The Trouble with Thinking

Excerpt from Edward Espe Brown's Tomato Blessings and Radish Teachings:
Then I sat down on the cushion opposite him, crossed my legs, and adjusted my posture. I didn't know what to expect, or what was expected of me, so I just sat there quietly facing him. The world turned. I don't think he had the slightest thought about my attainment or lack thereof. He seemed contained, quiet, and alert in repose. I began to relax. Finally after a few minutes, he inquired, "how's your meditation?"
"Not so good," I replied.
"What's not so good?" He asked.
"I can't stop thinking," I lamented.
"Is there some problem with taking?" he questioned, and right at that moment when I looked directly for the problem, I couldn't actually find it. I felt relieved and lightening, but I wasn't ready to admit I couldn't the problem. Besides, didn't he and the other teachers keep instructing us to follow the breath rather than think?
"When you sit zazen, you are not supposed to think," I explained.
"It's pretty normal to think," he sated, "don't you think?" His way of speaking was so innocent of attack: not contradicting, not belittling, not finding fault b
I had to admit that thinking was pretty normal, "but we're not supposed to think, are we?"
"The nature of mind is to think," Roshi explained. "The point of our practice is to not be caught by our thinking. If you continue to practice, your thinking will naturally change. Sometimes it will stop. Your thinking will take care of itself. "

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The End of the World

So it seems about time I made a blog post. It’s been so long and honestly so much has happened this past year that I haven’t known where to start. 
So we’ll start with this whole ‘the world’s gonna end on the 21st of December’ and my slightly anxious feelings about that. I’m not saying I’m preparing for the end, but I must admit that for the longest time I haven’t been able to get a grip on making plans for the future. Perhaps that has more to do with my own lack of ambition. Maybe an impending apocalypse is just an excuse for never finishing anything. But i think that once the 21st has come and gone without the world turning inside out, I will be able to breath a little sigh of relief.

Last year, around the last time the world was supposed to end, I had a series of apocalyptic dreams that really made me think shit was about to go down soon. The dreams came after a year of bad news concerning my fathers health, what seemed to be the breaking down of my own body and the beginning of the end of my first serious romantic relationship. 

There were three different dreams all with unique scenarios: some parts were scary, but for the most part things were confusing and all I wanted was to get a handle on what was happening, much like what I wanted in my waking life. I searched for a meaning in them. My deepest fear was that the worst was yet to come and in a way it was.

In April, my boyfriend broke up with me. He told me that we didn’t have anything in common and that he wasn’t sure he wanted to spend his life with me. In actuality, he had fallen in love with some one else and didn’t love me enough to tell me the truth. That hurt a lot and it took me months to come to terms with that. ( Actually I still am.) 

Dream dictionaries will tell you that end-of-world dreams “depict the powerful and threatening inner and outer changes that accompany major life transitions and social changes.” To borrow the words of R.E.M., my dreams seemed to predict the end of my world as I knew it. And though my break up has been one of the worst emotional storms I’ve ever experienced, it also has been the catalyst for my greatest personal growth. For that I’m very thankful. I am not the same person I was then and without my broken heart that could not have happened. 

Considering the options of things that could have gone wrong, losing a relationship that was personally stifling was not the very worst that could have happened. My father’s cancer has been kept at bay (whats the pain of losing a boyfriend compared with that of losing a father) and my own health, both mental and physical, began to improve once I was diagnosed with a lazy thyroid gland. 

So perhaps the end of the world is not an altogether bad thing. It can mean a renewed consciousness and a change for the better. I will be glad when the sun comes up on Saturday morning and it will be just another day to continue seeing this world in another light. I’m making plans to start making plans.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Check it!

SO, yeah. It's been a long time since i last updated. Many boots have been purchased since then, trying to somehow replace those that were worn through, but never really achieving as great of a 'wear-ability.'  A little resole and all is well again.
Anyway, I feel as though i need to recap all that has happened since my last post and that is something I'm not really up for.  So what to say...

Just know that blogging and staying up to date is hard to do when:
1. you have been depressed and uninterested in almost everything for the last year and half.
2. you follow so many great bloggers who update about such great content that you start to feel like there's no point in you blogging.
3. life just keeps you from doing it.

Honestly, i'm been meaning to settle down and write my piece about how one gets to the point when body and mind begin to break down only as means to be rebuilt and rebuilt upon these newly adopted recognitions that aid in transitioning into a more meaningful 'adulthood.' (not sure that sentence made alot of sense but go with it for now.) For the longest time, i've stopped myself, not wanting to expose my very messy ego, but I don't want to anymore. My ego needs some air, so I will try and share it more often. Try and look forward to it.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


So yeah.
I am painfully aware of what a horrible blogger I am - am so much better at keeping up with reading "ma blogs" than posting on my own but here is a quick post:
I need some new boots because I'm wearing these out and i done want to completely destroy them...yet. So i'm shopping for another pair of cute Laredo lace-up boots.

Also, I'm knitting again after a long hiatus that I won't go into here just yet. Stay tuned.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Summer In January

80's Skort Jumper

It seems that every year in late January or early February for the past 6 years that i've lived in Oakland there has been 3 days to a week of freaky warm weather.  Just a few weeks ago, it was in the low 40's.  Last week, it was mid 60's, so I decided to partake in winter's little reprieve.
Last Sunday, in the midst of the heat wave, I bought this number at Mercy Vintage on Piedmont Ave: an 80's wrap skort jumper. It was a somewhat uncharacteristically whimsy purchase on my part, but it was only $10.
I threw it on to run some errands and snapped these pics upon my return home.

80's Skort Jumper

80's Skort Jumper

Just to prove that it is indeed (a) skort/skorts - i give you the gratuitous booty shot.

80's Skort Jumper

Now, Winter has returned and I am bundled up in two sweaters next to my pathetic heater with a hot cup of tea watching Annie Lennox videos.  
I will leave you with my favorite.  (Thanks to Teenangster for posting it on her blog.) Until next time.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The days of our lives

So I've been racking my brains since last time trying to find a meaningful topic to post about here, but this has only prevented me from posting.
So here is a list of ideas that have been floating around my mind:

  • How much in control are we when it comes to our lives, our futures, our relations to the cosmic and not so cosmic, etc? (i know, a big existential quandary.)
  • (this probably brought on that first one) The meanings of astrology and how much or little I lay stake in it.
At the beginning of last week, there was a big hoopla about adding a long discarded astrological sign to the original twelve in order to take in to account the cosmic evolutions that have occurred since there invention almost 2,000 years ago.
For the most part, I don't care, especially since my sign wasn't/isn't effected (Pieces, in case you were wondering).  But it got me thinking about how I turn to horoscopes and the occasional fortune cookie when it feels as though my luck has run out. I find comfort in mercury's dives into retrograde and vague assurances that better times are on the horizon.  Also, my maternal grandmother, a devout Catholic, had an affinity for astrology and fortune telling and that makes me happy inside. :)

As another aside, 2011 is the year of the rabbit, my year, so I'm hoping that there's something good for me  in the stars this year.

  • I was gonna lay out a plan on how I'm gonna stop being a dufuss when it comes to money, having and spending it. But i don't wanna.
But what i will share is the couple things that I liked about last week:

Yesterday,  the Bay Area was enveloped by a very dense fog that lasted until 11am. It was magical. This  was the view from my studio apartment at 9am.  It was eerie, but so beautiful to wake up to. The fog return in the evening.

There was also some fun had with Charo and Photo Booth that I was unaware of.

Well, there you have it. Off the work I must go. 


Sunday, January 9, 2011

A Brand New Start

A new post for the New Year.
And a new kitty pic


I can't remember if I've ever taken New Years seriously. I've partaken in my fair share of bubbly drinks, noise-makers and stolen kisses; i've also given into the New Year's grumps more than I'd like to admit. Either way, New Year's resolutions have never been my thing, but I feel the turning a new leaf.
Having said that, I realize that today is the ninth day of the new year and I'm a little late with my declarations of new beginnings, but you know what they say...

Anyways, I figure that this blog is as good a place as any to reveal the hopes and goals that I hold for this year. which can really be summed up with this one resolution:

1. Being more active.

It seems that all this past year I had been meaning to do so many things and for some reason or another I never really acted on any of the intentions. This i want to change.
So here is a list (yes, a list within a list) of things I hope to be more active with:
- Blogging >> I came to the realization a couple months ago that I am a REALLY lazy blogger. I loved my tumblr when i first started it, but now, I can't even be bothered with posting on it. I have a Pinterest account and I want to do more with that, but that seemed so silly considering that I hardly utilize my long-form blog.
So here's my idea:
One thoughtfully put-together post each week right here.

- I need to get off my ass more. >> Working in a coffee shop takes alot of physical stamina. You are on your feet for five hours or more, constantly trying (or at the very least looking like you're trying) to find shit to do so the bosses don't fire you.
But it's not exercise and I could use a but more of that in my life. Why? Because working in a coffee shop (or any retail setting really) is stressful, both physically and mentally and I'm a firm believer that regular exercise helps one to cope more with physical and emotion stress.
Not to mention that knitting, while very stress relieving for me, is a very stationary activity that is not doing my butt any favors.

Speaking of knitting...

- Getting more involved with FINE & dandy >> I must admit that my Etsy shop has not been very high on my list of priorities this past year. I sell an item every once in a while and it's great, but i'd like to throw more of myself into selling my knits.
This is a two sided goal: more regular posting on etsy and selling at a craft fair at the end of the year. I need to build a worthy inventory.

There you have it. My New Year's resolutions, well, more like goals, but you get the picture. I have a few others, but they're more personal goals like call my mother more often and get a savings account so I'll spare you the details.

Until next time...